I am being real here, so you’re gonna need to take it as such. No gloss or glamour, and I hope by the end of shedding this week all that will shine through will be Jesus.
It has been a week.
At times this week I thought my marriage was just done. I think I actually was leaning towards hate rather than just not liking my husband. My Adult son, his wife, and my new grand baby (who have been living with us for the last year and a half) are moving to their own place. My eldest daughter moved out on her birthday last year and is with a man who is emotionally abusive. She won’t leave him and is convinced she just needs to try harder. And though she is a Christian, and knows it’s wrong, is going to sinful places in their relationship. My arthritis is flaring up due to the barometer going crazy. I have had a full daycare all week. Oh yeah, and visiting relatives staying with us for 4 days.
I have been a Christian for 15 years. I have done at least 50 studies in that time. Took theology classes to go to the mission field….know more of the bible than most Christian’s my age (Physically and Biblically). But that does not remove my human sin nature or my own fleshly inability to handle too much on my plate. I should know better by now. I am not at a place where my obedience is radical. The title of this chapter would not describe me right now. There are times when it would have. But I stepped out from under the shelter of God’s protection to try and protect myself with my own fleshly means and desires. You may ask how that is working for me. It isn’t. I do know better. I just cannot get a grip sometimes.
I know you have to be asking how I can be doing a study on What Happens When Women Say Yes To God. I ask myself that question more than once a day. Every time I see the book, every time I feel defeated, every time I know the decision I am leaning towards is against God’s will. Because if it wasn’t for the reminder in this book, and in this chapter, and from God, I would have run away. Sometimes I can understand those women and men who just disappear. Leaving family, home, friends… I have fantasized about that at my lowest moments. But the difference is that I said Yes to God. In the end I have a commitment that is not bound by flesh or man. It is bound by something Holy. Making me Wholly Committed whether it feels good, is easy, or not.
In chapter 3 Lysa talks about Offering it All to God. That’s the title. And this brings me to the biggest and hardest part of this week. My marriage. If you have read this blog through then you know the path has been rocky this last year, and other years, of the now 23 years. I think leaving at this point would really be the easy thing. But I have not been called to easy. But commitment. And I am not perfect in the areas that I loath about my husband. But I don’t focus on that. I focus on the fact that I am not as bad as he is and I really hate who I am when I am with him. But I know that is not his fault, really, it is my choosing to be bitter and hateful. But it is so easy to embrace the world and just say I give up. I am tired of being nice. I am tired of putting up with having a husband I cannot talk with, trust, or depend on fully. I am not meeting his needs either because they are tied up with his untrustworthiness. We have done the Christian counseling and pretty much I am told that he is who he is and I now have to make a choice to stay and accept him or leave.
But reading that chapter reminds me that I am to lean on God first and foremost. That he is meant to fill those places that my husband is lacking in. I don’t necessarily like this answer. That is just being plain honest and I am jealous of those who have moved on and found happiness and peace elsewhere. But I cannot get past the part of it being outside of God’s will. I made a commitment and God keeps reminding me that I did. Gently and with loving forgiveness. And when I get it I have to just cry out to him over and over and over for the strength, the mercy, the grace…and it is from a very broken place right now.
Please pray for me. I really need it. The spiritual battle in my heart and head are heavy. But I want to be a representative of our Lord and live my life by him and I have been a poor reflection this week.