Well, first I will say it has been an unbelievably difficult week. If I thought it was tough last week, I was mistaken. Last week was easy. But isn’t that how it goes? Comparisons are always fuel for the enemy to work with, I think. I have been doing a lot of comparison reflections this last week. Spent part of it with a fever and I think some of it was delusionally motivated, but I got some good stuff out of it. Then I finally was well enough this morning to read my chapter and got another confirmation that I am going in the right direction, and that I went in the wrong direction.
I left you last week with the impending trip to the family gathering. I saw my Goliath as being able to be a light for Christ in their lives. But what I forget is that I have been doing that for years. I expected to use the same tools yet get different results. The true problem was that I went telling myself that that was supposed to be my focus. I wore myself out trying to get ready, having recently recovered from being sick. I went there in a motorhome that had mold issues (with my Reactive Airway) and from the beginning I found this sense of dread in my chest. A sense that something was wrong. I think what was wrong was that I was so focused on what I wanted that I chose to repeatedly ignore that voice inside of me that said, “Turn back, this is not the way.”
I try to tell myself that I am better at listening to that voice, but only when I want to. I truly am addicted to trying to get it all right and so focused on not missing timing or opportunities that often my own desire will override God’s leading. I really got to spend very little time with my family because I was sick almost from the get go and got really bad before we returned home. It was really a miserable trip, with a few minor moments with my family. I did not shine, I dragged. I was sick and it was hard to breath so no enjoying the campfire, or visiting with my mom too much because once I knew I was definitely sick I didn’t dare expose her, and several other aging relatives. There were many unexplainable breakdowns in the different motorhomes and many people had a strange tiredness overtake them. It felt all wrong. But it was all wrong. I told God what I wanted out of this trip, but I never asked him if I should go. The answer was no.
I never thought of my running ahead of God as being an adrenaline issue. But after reading chapter 8 I can totally see it. I get a thought or direction in my mind and the adrenaline kicks in and it blinds me to seeking God in the correct way. It robs me of peace, because even though I ask for it I don’t seek God for the map first, then I have to find peace far from his intended plan…it just doesn’t turn out good.
So my next step is to stay keenly aware of this new revelation and make sure it is not a usable tool for the enemy to snag me on. Or for me to snag myself on, for that matter. I know that I have adrenal problems. I was on supplements for it last year. My anxiety issues burned them out and I know that life is not going to be pleasant, or long, if I do not get on the right page of this story.
I know God has written a plan for me. And sometimes it is No, not Go. And good intentions do not mean God has his approval sticker on it.
I am learning Lord. I am learning. Thank you for not giving up on me. For brushing me off and picking me up. Lord I surrender my stress and my addiction to adrenaline to you. May you use me in your time, in your way, and for your Good!
In Jesus Name, Amen.