Taking It Back

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I guess this week of the  “Stressed-Less Living” online bible study has been the most difficult for me, but not because the reading or study was hard, but because life was hard this week.  It was a difficult week where just living took everything I had.  I have lived my life with several auto-immune mysterious illnesses.  I sometimes believe that my body knows I am my own worst enemy and is trying to eradicate it.  But this week was nostalgic of years ago.  Ten years ago I started developing symptoms that led to the conclusion of MS.  My neurologist even diagnosed me twice, only to rescind after another MRI showed that another “lesion” that had appeared on my brain had, in turn, disappeared again.  Still for 6 years I lived with this confusing battle. I have some remnant symptoms, but for the most part they just as mysteriously stopped.  Even my diabetes was under control by diet.  I claimed healing by God, at the time, but I often wonder if I just started being obedient and God took it away because I was producing fruit.  Though, not the best fruit, nor the best bearer, it was with a sincere and honest heart and a true longing to serve God alone.  I started being involved in missions.

Anyway, fast forward to now.  I have been working on all the things that I have learned and gleaned from this study so far.  So many areas of my life, and walk, are seeing improvement because I am seeking the Lord and following what he has said to me.  So my marriage, and the other issues I have shared with you, have begun to show it.  

My health has not.  I shared with you about the Reactive Airway problem.  But at about the same time, I had just gotten over a nasty bug, I noticed that the arthritis in my hands and feet was worsening.  At first I thought it was aches and pains from the virus, but even when I got well from that I was left with the asthma-like symptoms and the ever stiffening joints in my fingers, knuckles, toes, etc.  I have been to the dr. several times and each time they try something different to no avail. It is presenting itself as Rheumatoid Arthritis.  But even with that being the case I have had to fight to try to get to the appropriate dr.  Apparently the low-income insurance I have doesn’t cover the diagnostic process for this and yet they do not want to allow me to go even as a self pay.  It is a confusing and frustrating process.  But the worst of it is that the last week has been so painful that it has been mind bending.  I have prayed so much for God to get me through moments, because praying for days is like one prayer for eternity when you’re in this kind of pain.  My joints in my fingers are especially painful and stiff.  I am getting these hot stinging bumps on the joints and bends of my fingers and my middle finger on the left is angling left.  These are the hands that I used all week to do daycare.  With little ones who need to be lifted, changed, helped, etc.  My husband has taken time out of work to come and help me with the daycare and that has been a God sent.  But that cannot be the pattern of the present and future.  It just won’t work long-term.  The newest medicine the dr tried on me left me with a severe reaction that made me really sick.  So that was on top of what I was already experiencing this week.

 Yet, the enemy will not win.  I will not turn from God.  I will not give up.  So as slow as it was to get this up.  As slow as it was to finish reading and doing the study.  I kept hearing to persevere.  What I got out of the study was Tracie sharing that God knows we are not going to be able to live up to being perfect, free from our worries, stresses, and battles.  And probably our greatest battle at times is just remembering to persevere in coming to him with it.  The good, the bad, and the UGLY.  One of my walls that I put up is being physically comforted.  First, it hurts to hold hands or be hugged tightly, but second, I find that it makes me uneasy and angry and I don’t know why.  So in taking back what is mine in Christ I guess I need to figure that out and seek God in it being revealed.  It use to be a source of great comfort to me.  And I think that I need to take that back.  As to the next step in healing my marriage and my physical healing.  These are the verses that God is strengthening me with this day.  Blessings to you all!

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, Stephanie” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Proverbs 1:33 “ but when Stephanie listens to me she will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm.”

Isaiah 30:21 “I will be the voice behind you, Stephanie, guiding you in the way you should go.

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2 Responses to Taking It Back

  1. Lori K (OBS Group Leader) says:

    Way to go, Stephanie! You persevered not only in getting your blog posted and staying caught up in the study, but you are working on taking back being physically comforted. The enemy may think he is winning, but he is not. Our God is a big God. Thank you for sharing your blog with us. Lori K (OBS Group Leader)

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